How It Began

O.F.F. Is Beset Upon by Glowing Extraterrestrial

It seemed like just another day but that’s how this kind of thing always begins.  These messages from beyond. On Monday August 10th, 2009 as I was running (stumbling and heaving) on the high school track in Lafayette, CA,  an extraterrestrial dropped by to deliver me a message .

The extraterrestrial went by the name of “Charles” and claimed to be the 2nd ranked miler in the U.S. in Masters Track & Field 65-69 age group.

Charles didn’t look 66. He looked, well, kind of glowing. Vibrating.  Cosmic energy radiated over his brown skin. You know the type — the GLOWING PEOPLE. Those with the glow. And you know to listen to them.  They are sent to pass along higher information.

You should get involved with Masters track…

It would have been a really random and rather ridiculous thing to say had it come from anyone but one who was obviously a messenger. You don’t suggest to an old fat fuck (OFF) that he should get involved with Masters track. But it wasn’t so much a suggestion. It was more a command. A little Moses-like but without the staff.

And understand this: Charles had just witnessed this  OFF slogging over 800 painful pathetic meters.  UGLY running.  I don’t like to run. Check that… I don’t like running long distances. Actually I love to sprint and always have.  When I’m in shape I’m one of the fastest old white guys you’re bound to run across. But over the past five years I have really let myself go. What used to be 200 pounds of something like muscle had become 212 pounds of definite paunch. Charles saw me running. I wasn’t sprinting. I was running the equivalent of a 12-minute mile.

I golf a little. We ride in carts.

You should get involved with Masters track…

Why?

Because golf is insufferable. Because I suck at golf. I SUCK AT GOLF. And the dress code was devised by some Republican’s mother. But golf was the sport I chose to replace baseball from which I had retired five years ago.  Baseball had forced me to keep in shape so I could hit a ball 400 feet and throw it 250 feet and get down and dirty when necessary. Loved the game – very cool.  Golf?  Golf is just fucked up.

You should get involved in Masters track…

Okay. I’d run track as a kid and was good at it. I was a pole vaulter – a Michigan vaulter, mind you, not a California vaulter. There’s like a 2 foot difference. Anyway, I was fast, coordinated and determined. Those are good traits for track. But I wasn’t REALLY fast to be  a sprinter. I wasn’t big like a shotputter so I couldn’t really compete in the throws. I could jump some but not great – same goes for hurdling.  I hate distance running – did I mention that?

The fact is, I always wanted to be a decathlete like Rafer Johnson, Bill Toomey and Bruce Jenner (not the haircut, please).

Is there a multi-event thing, like the decathlon, Charles?

Yes. Also the pentathlon, said Charles, glowing in his knowing.

Glowing. Yes. I understood.

And so I’ve begun.  I’m 53 years old. 5’10” ,  208 pounds.  In the spring of 2011 I will compete in my first pentathon competition. Masters track and field…